I want to be “a runner”. I’ve always wanted to be “a runner”. I see runners on the side of the road, whizzing past me up the mountain, on the trails near my house. They are everywhere. They are “runners”. They have special shoes and get subscriptions to RUNNER’S WORLD magazine. They get up early and put their special running watches on and head out the door. They sign up for half marathons and have those stickers on the back of their cars…you know that white oval with the 26.2 on it.

But there’s a problem…I cant run. I literally cant run. I mean not far anyway. I can run down the stairs. I can run to the bathroom. I can run after the dog when he grabs my flip flop. But I cant REALLY run like a runner.

I mean even if Jack The Ripper was behind me and Adam Levine was in front of me Im not sure I could make it 100 yards. And that’s so lame and not cool. I’ve tried running. I can make it about 150 yards and its pretty OK. And then…I start wheezing and making a baby seal kind of sound and it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest and my lips get numb and I get a cramp in my side that feels like a knife stabbing into me. And my form….well, remember that episode of Friends where Rachel wont run with Phoebe because she runs funny. Yep. That.

So my at home workouts are great because there’s no long distance forward running. It’s a lot of isometric moves and push ups and footwork and stuff that I can actually do. I’m not sure how I can do choreographed moves and not run in a straight line. What am I doing wrong? I have this Life Bucket List with a few things on it and have ALWAYS wanted to put “run a marathon” on it. But I don’t because I know I most likely wont. And here’s the problem…I’m signed up to do this 5K color run thing in May with some friends. Like running in a group thing. 5K is a very, very, very long way. I mean its like 2 or 3 or something miles I don’t know but its far! And I need to figure out how to run before the end of May.

So this is me asking for help from my runner friends. I’ll take any advice, tips, knowledge that you might have. I am in decent shape. I have cute tennis shoes. My running outifit is hot pink and black and looks GREAT with my shoes. I also have a fitbit that matches everything else. So really I have all I need, right? Maybe I’m just meant to LOOK like a runner. I mean unless I actually move and then I look like some sort of wounded chicken. Sigh. My friends are going to leave me aren’t they?