I have written two blogs in the past week. One is about Texas and one is about dreams for the new year. I have not published either. Because this one has been in my mind and I have not wanted to share it so I guess it means I SHOULD share it. Normal people don’t spill their guts all over Facebook and the Internet. Normal people go to a therapist and pay big money to “work through their shit”. I write. It’s cheaper.
I have an amazing husband, two great kids, a house and food and my health and I get to stay home for my job. I am such a lucky girl. And grateful. And very aware of how fortunate I am. So bitching about things seems so stupid. But Im gonna anyway. And the reason Im gonna is so that maybe that one person out there who also feels this way will know they are not alone. Here we go…
I don’t love the Holidays. THERE. I said it. I know Im an awful horrible person. Whatever. I just don’t. And at my age Im too tired to pretend I do. Im too tired to make cookies and be joyful. Mostly during December I want to punch someone in the face. Like hard. Then I want to run away to an island and stay there until January 2nd. I know its sad and bad and sacrilegious and Im a terrible, scroogy, anti-Holiday, bah-humbug gal. I just cannot hide and pretend anymore. Now. Ive outed myself. Whew…I feel better.
On one of my awesome hikes recently with my three close friends we discussed this feeling I have and they patiently listened to me gripe. Love them. And they love me DESPITE my shit. In my head there is this Norman Rockwell painting of Christmas. A fireplace, a tree, 2.4 well behaved children opening presents, all of the grandparents and a baked ham with hot rolls on the table. There are cousins and mistletoe and Christmas music playing and everyone is wearing a pretty sweater and drinking hot cocoa. PERFECTION.
In reality my teenagers sleep late, gripe when they have to get up that morning, throw biscuits that Ive burned at each other, complain about the presents they get and spend the day on Instagram. Just what Baby Jesus pictured Im sure. And I’ve come to realize its not just this modern day crap version of Christmas morning that bugs me its a few more things that run pretty deep.
So many people are un happy during the Holidays. And for those that have lost loved ones its understandable. It’s just not the same and you know that no matter how hard you try it will NEVER EVER be “the same”. My Dad has been dead for eight years. EIGHT! Thats a long time. Some…many of my friends have lost loved ones just this past year. Its fresh pain. I remember the first few Christmases after my Dad died I/we tried to make it all normal. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. Normal is such a weird word. I think Ive decided that “normal” just means “how its always been”. And if you’ve lost someone close to you there is no normal. Ever, ever again. And that is so very sad. The loss of normal. The loss of tradition and routine and family. The loss of how things “were supposed to be”.
This pressure at the Holidays to make everything perfect and be joyful and happy and cheerful and spread good tidings has chapped my ass. I miss my Dad everyday but his birthday and Christmas and during Cowboys games are worse. Yes…eight years later. Still. It doesn’t get easier really. It just feels like its been longer since Ive seen him so I miss him more. And I think of my dear friend, Michelle who lost her daughter, Sydney. This will be their second Holiday without their daughter. Unimaginable. Awful. Not ok. Holidays are not joyful for everyone. They are not “perfect” for everyone. They are not “normal” for everyone.
This is the third Christmas that my husband will have Brain Rot. He is worse now than in 2012. But he is here. For that I am extremely grateful. And my posts and blogs about our positive attitude and gusto for living life to the fullest here in Colorado are all true. ALL TRUE! But for me to tell you Im all full of gratefulness and cheer and joy would be a lie. Sometimes, lots of times, it sucks. It really REALLY sucks. And the thoughts of how life would be, will be, without him are there. And damn it Im a strong, STRONG, tough girl but sometimes it’s hard.
So my thoughts and my love are with those this week and next who are NOT filled with the JOY. NOT surrounded by their loved ones. NOT having a perfect Christmas. Im not sure that there really is such a thing. And that is OK. That is VERY OK. As I often say life throws us some shit sometimes and the only choice we have is to put one foot in front of the other. I saw a quote recently on the Momastery Blog that I follow and I loved it. It made me realize that I might just miss out on some really perfect moments if i keep being sad about the moments that have passed. Love to the scrooges out there this Christmas Day. You are not alone! Look for the little perfect moments.