I SHOULD BE THERE

Its late at night (Thursday) and Im sitting on my couch. I was supposed to catch a very early flight Friday morning to go to Lynda’s funeral in Dallas. (My second mom). The snow has been relentless, the roads are terrible. I live an hour from the airport at 7,600 foot elevation and the danger of getting to the airport by 5:30 in the morning led me to cancel my flight. VERY reluctantly. I’ve cried all afternoon. I want to be home and I can’t. That tough girl that picked up & moved away from home to tackle brain rot and life alone aint’ so tough this week. The weather cannot be helped but the guilt I feel is pretty palpable. If I’d never moved away…..

I think we are born with a perfect heart. Ive said this before. A perfectly intact beautiful heart full of love and with no damage. And as boys break them and loved ones pass away and friends disappoint us and we see the ugly side of people and we realize that bad things happen…it breaks a little each time. Mine has taken some hits the past few years. Its a bit tattered, worn, broken and hurting.  And 95% of the time my spitfire personality and thick skin keep me going. Smiling. Working. Being happy. But sometimes you get knocked down one too many times and you might be a little slower to get up. As I was crying I realized I hadn’t cried since Lynda died. And I thought…what a stupid thing to cry about- the weather! But it isn’t the weather at all. That was just the final straw that knocked me to the floor. Like bricks. Lynda lived a GRAND life. She was the kindest person I’d ever known. The trajectory of my life changed because I listened to her advice.
So as I told her daughter today, the grief and the sadness is not FOR her. She is at peace and out of pain. Thank God. The sadness is purely selfish. Its because we are left here without her. To miss her. Another void in my life. Another little rip at an already damaged heart. So as always Ive been hard on myself…I should suck it up, be tough, many have it much worse. I know that. Its my motto. But damn it once in a blue moon even the toughest of us hit the floor. So today was a REST day in my current workout program. Thank God. And I needed it. Physically, mentally. So I LET myself cry and feel sorry for myself and curse brain rot and death and cancer and snow and just sit in it. Sit in all the shit. Literally. And maybe I should let the world know I may not be made of glass but Im not made of steel either. All hearts get to a point where enough is enough. So I get to have a time out from life. A brief respite. Going AWOL. And sooner than later Ill stand right back up and grab my courage and dust myself off and conquer the world. But today. I am sad.
It had been MANY years since I’d heard this song. I remember I was 30 years old when this song came out and “my early 40’s” seemed a million miles away and the thought of “Rocky Mountain Climbing” had NEVER entered my brain.  So tonight- listening to this song I couldn’t breathe. Every. Single. Word. is my life. And thank you so very much Lynda for teaching me to live like I was dying. Because we all are you know. And even by the end of writing this…thinking of you…I smile. Smiling through tears is one of my favorites. And I know you’d say I don’t need to be there. And I know that. I will see you on a mountain Lynda.
Now…Im going to find a bull named Fu Man Chu. You should too.
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