I’ve always been a tad competitive. I’ve always been hard on myself. I’ve always been hard on others. Im working on all of that. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being competitive…it pushes me to be better. But I need to ease up on myself and others.

Being a TEAM LEADER, having a team of coaches to lead in my Beachbody business, has certainly shined a light on some of my shortcomings. I lack patience. I sometimes lack empathy. I lack the ability to give a shit at times. I can be inconsiderate and not have grace for people at times. I blame my parents. Or Obama. Or the environment. Or whatever. Ha. Its no one’s issue but my own. This damn coaching thing, leadership thing, is forcing me to GROW. Its annoying. I was perfectly fine in my cynical, sarcastic, low expectations of others-self. Or I wasn’t.

I build walls. People have certainly broken my trust and hurt me in the past and I don’t have the most trusting nature to begin with so being a little “rough around the edges” seemed acceptable. As my kids get older & I see some of these traits in them I am rethinking all of that self defensive behavior. I don’t want them to shut everyone out or build too many walls. Its a protection thing. When you let someone close or trust someone and they hurt you…it’s natural to not want to feel that way again and protect yourself from that. But….as I’ve said before…if you build walls to keep the “bad stuff” out you also keep the good stuff out. And thats just no way to live.

So Im pushing my team of coaches to further their businesses and reach the giant goals they’ve set and GO FOR IT! This Beachbody business has become a financial freedom tool for me and my family. Many coaches wake up on Thursdays (pay day) and get to dream of quitting jobs or paying off mortgages or buying a better car. Its all awesome. I dream of big things too. But on paydays I actually think of medical bills and future expenses to take care of my husband and how I’ll manage alone. So a lot of emotion comes with that. I feel mad and sad and angry and jealous and irritated and cheated. Of many things. Of a future I don’t get to decide on. And all of this crap explains why I lack a little patience with my team sometimes or with those that come up with excuses for not working out or eating right. In my honest opinion…there is absolutely no excuse. None. I have friends in wheelchairs working out, friends who have terminal cancer working out, friends who lost a spouse just a few weeks ago working out. There’s just no such thing as an excuse.

But there are reasons people get stuck where they are and I am learning that empathy, sympathy and understanding are qualities I need to work on to help other people. To help my team grow. To help my kids succeed in life. So I walk a fine line of that girl that climbs a mountain and that girl that chooses sitting with a friend in need at the bottom to comfort her. I hope my kids and my team and my friends understand that I am still a work in progress. That at age 43 I am still learning and trying to be better.

There’s a drive in me that I cannot quiet. I like it. It pushes me. It gives me a purpose each day and puts my mind on other things besides Brain Rot and cancer and Thyroid disease and shit. It is the reason I will continue to grow a successful business. It takes a little edge and thick skin to do that. But I actually have a heart. And feelings. And people hurt them sometimes and make me sad and I need to let that be ok. I need to show that Im human and there’s some soft stuff under the hard shell. Because there is. More than people know.