In a few weeks, on August 7, it will be 10 years to the day that my Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident. And every single summer since then has been a roller coaster. Of emotions. Inevitably I forget. And in June I start to feel angry, detached, sad, push people away. Every year. And I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Then I remember. Oh…this is me now. THIS is me now. You are NEVER the same. You NEVER get over it. It NEVER goes away. You NEVER are not aware. You NEVER heal completely. And I think more than missing my Dad these things make make me the saddest. That it takes a piece of you and YOU are NEVER the same. Im not the same girl I was on August 6, 2006. I guess you mourn a lot of things when someone close to you dies. Even the loss of yourself.
I noticed in June I felt agitated. Distant. Sad. Like pushing people away. I thought “well….here we go”. Then I decided. Im not letting this take me anymore. Not one more summer, not one more August, not one more minute. I’ll never be the same. Never. And that’s ok. It’s really ok. I have cried about Brain Rot a LOT. I even maybe sort of asked “why me?” briefly. But I quickly realized “why not me” , “why not us”. Im one tough ass chick and if anyone can handle this shit its me.
Im still far FAR from being thankful for motorcycle accidents and Brain Rot and Rheumatoid Arthritis but…..it has all made me who I am. What I am. The good, the bad, the girl who pushed people away, who doesn’t trust, who is cautious about people but would jump off of a mountain. The girl who started a business. The girl who up and moved one day to Colorado. The girl who knows she’ll have to go it alone one day. So why NOT me? Thick skin, rough exterior, mushy insides, cusses a lot, cares even more, loves hard, says YES more, writes more, feels more, hurts more, appreciates more, stops and soaks it all in. Thats me now. And I don’t think I’d want to be any other way.
So fuck you motorcycles and deer and Brain Rot and arthritis and people who just don’t “get it”. I take back August. I take back summer. I take back ME. And all that THAT means now. Since that day when things changed. When I changed.
I can honestly say Id have never moved to Colorado if not for motorcycle accidents and Brain Rot. Id have never climbed Pikes Peak. Id have never started a business. Id have never done a lot of things. And how fun would life have been without those beautiful moments?
Here’s to a beautiful rest of the summer and all of the things I have BECOME rather than LOST. All of the magic that MIGHT happen instead of the things that can never happen. To smiling instead of crying. To happy instead of sad. To leaping first, looking second, taking chances, regretting nothing, loving harder and taking back August!