Two things. I have a son who is perfectly capable of taking out the trash. Most mornings we are rushing so quickly so I can get them to school that we just forget to take it out before he goes to school. He almost always brings it back to the house for me on Tuesday afternoons. And two…this blog is NOT meant to be a pity party for one. I hate complaining. Hate it. Struggle with it. But I am human. And again- promised a journey of truth and brutal honestly through this shitty walk through Brain Rot.
Tuesdays are trash day here and often recycle as well. I have a very long driveway. In snow or rain its quite fun to navigate. My husband can no longer really navigate the slope. His walking is deteriorating. He’s more wobbly. Uneven surfaces and slopes are just not happening. Tuesday I was walking the trash and recycle bins (which are bigger than me) down to the street and just started crying. And the people driving by must’ve thought I was having a breakdown. I guess I was. There are so many single Moms and military spouses out there who deal with this on a daily basis. Every day. I feel guilty being sad. I feel guilty being mad. I feel guilty complaining. I feel angry and sad and pissed off. He can’t take the trash out. I have to. I HAVE to. I changed a light bulb last week. No biggy. He just can’t. And I don’t mind the actual chore. I don’t. Its the fact that I HAVE to. And he can’t.
And its not fair. And I think in our wedding vows we agreed he would always fill up my car with gas because I hate that and always take out the trash. He still puts gas in my car.
I absolutely hate that saying “everything happens for a reason”. It does not. That’s stupid. Kids don’t get cancer and die “for a reason”. I do believe that not so fun things….like death, disease, heart break, loss happen…and then we find our character from them. My character is pissed off some days. Im just being honest. But I get it in check pretty quickly. I COULD look at the healthy Mom with the healthy husband who helps with chores and kids and crap and feel annoyed with her lack of appreciation or understanding of how lucky she is. Or I can choose to be happy for them. And grateful I am strong enough to handle it. And smart enough to know Im the lucky one. I choose the latter.
Its hard some days. Especially trash days. But in the end life isn’t about light bulbs and trash cans and putting gas in your car. Its about the good moments. The positive moments. And the appreciation of those beautiful moments. There’s days I wonder if I’ll make it to noon. Then there’s days I think I can conquer the world. I guess thats just being human. And Im pretty grateful I get the chance to do that! I believe that we are all quite stronger than we ever EVER thought we were. Never give up. Cry, have a moment of weakness, fall down…then get the hell up, dust your shit off and take the trash out. And be so so so grateful that you can!