I post about positivity a lot. I post about getting over your shit and just dealing. That happiness is a decision you make every single day. And then I walk away from the post and cry. And pull on my yoga pants and do my workout…sometimes crying during that. And I smile and post a workout selfie and check in with my customers to make sure they are eating correctly and I drive to pick up my kids and I drive to cheer practice and I encourage the girls there and most of it….MOST of it I can do without crying. Because if you post positive shit enough its bound to work, right? RIGHT?

I don’t want to be honest. Its ugly. VERY ugly. Some mornings I get messages that say “I just want to be thin but this workout is too hard and the chocolate cupcakes were calling my name and my favorite show was on and I was tired after work so I just laid on the couch…so is there a faster way to lose weight?” Or “I literally cannot live without creamer in my coffee…its like…I just can’t function.”. And I type “you can do it”. “You’ve got this”. “Try stevia instead”. When what I want to type is “Fuck off asshole”. “My husband has brain rot, I have 2 jobs, my joints ache daily, and you need to get the fuck over yourself.”  What an amazing coach I am.

I grew up (like most of you) with this notion that 2.5 kids, a loving husband, a dog and a house in the burbs was what you were SUPPOSED to do. And that was the only way to be happy. Thats what you do people. And if you don’t you are weird or abnormal. So I got the loving husband, the 2 kids (after many miscarriages), the dog and the house in the burbs. And I see the family pictures posted on social media and people posting about how awesome their husbands and their kids are. And Id like to stab them. Do you know how horrible I look if I say “my husband is an asshole”? Because guess what? News flash? Just because you have Brain Rot doesn’t mean you cannot be a GRADE A asshole. You can be. He’s proof. I don’t get to say that though.

He is kind, provides for us, never would hurt us, loves us. He’s perfect. Sure. But he’s not. And there are days I’d like to punch him in his face and get in a car and drive FAR away. What does that make me? My kids are shit heads. They are funny, mostly healthy, get decent grades, have friends, aren’t in jail (yet) and aren’t pregnant (yet). So overall thats a win. But damn they are entitled, spoiled, lazy, and I’d like to set them on the front porch and put a sign on them that says “FREE, take please!”

Here’s some truth…I HATE cooking, I do not like going to parent teacher conferences, I don’t make my kids’ lunches, I’ve considered divorce, I’d rather go out to a concert with music and beer than a bunco group, I don’t like small children, I cuss a lot, I think a lot of people have no common sense, weak women make me puke, I’ve considered that fact that my Dad’s instant death was WAY better than what my husband is going through, I’ve wanted to send my kids away to school…for real, I could live in a tiny house by myself, I prefer mountains to people sometimes, Im not sure how I feel about marriage- we live a long fucking time to be with one person, I don’t do religion, I don’t do bake sales, I think its ok to cuss in front of my kids, I lack empathy at times, I have so many faults I cannot list them.

And I can’t tell you how sad I feel about admitting all of that. I just cannot live in “that world”. You know- FACEBOOK WORLD. Where Janie Smith has her 2 kids in matching outfits and her husband Rob works a 9-5 in a suit and she bakes for the school and volunteers in the library and plays the Disney channel station in her mini van so the kids don’t hear regular music and she goes to spin class on Tuesdays and book club on Thursdays and church on Sundays and she has a PERFECT life. I just can’t. I bow down to you that love that life…that thrive in it…that find your joy in it. Its just not me, And it took a long time to realize that. And be ok with it. And the thing is…Im finally ok with who I am at 44 but Im not sure society is. I know people judge…if you’re not “in the norm”. I guess its my issue if I actually care what people think.

So for the 100 of you that read this and think “she’s crazy” I know there’s 1 of you thinking “holy shit Im not alone”. And I write this for you. Just for you. For the gypsy, warrior, wanderer, mountain girl with dreams for herself that don’t have barriers. For you that want more names to call yourself than MOM and WIFE. You that are ok with following your HEART and not your head…wherever that may lead. YOU that are not always politically correct or follow the norms. YOU that feel different. Its ok. Its truly and beautifully and magically ok. When Brain Rot came along I shifted from a person who couldn’t stand to not know what was ahead…a total control freak…..to a girl who THRIVES on not knowing. The crazy awesome coolness of not knowing.

I love my husband. I love my kids. I would die for them. It took me a very long time to realize that is not all I am. And it is ok. To be more, to want more, to do more. It is not just ok….its necessary for me and my little soul. You have to find your true happy. And if she’s a gypsy you can only lock her up so long. Eventually she claws her way out. Peace, Light and Love! I hope for everyone to find their happy!!

It’s been the title of my blog for almost 4 years now. And this week it saved me. This WILL NOT be a political post. Im too happy for that. But it will be a testimonial on last week. Im thinking its no surprise for me to say I didn’t really love my choices for President. Im not happy with how it turned out. Im not. But it was a HUGE opportunity for me. I got to have some amazing conversations with my kids about the things I value and what I feel is appropriate and inappropriate and standing up for people and fighting for your rights and gay marriage and all of the things that matter to me. It was an opportunity to send some private messages to some people who posted some very uncool things- and guess what? We started a dialogue. A real conversation with no cursing or name calling. And we ended with nothing but love and respect. So there’s that. And THAT’S a lot!

There was a time in my early 30’s I got very riled up about politics and people’s opinions and let my blood pressure boil over. But my husband has brain rot now. My dear friend lost her husband this past week. WAY too young. And THAT hit home. More than I can express. And its a perspective and an age and a maturity thing. SO I CHOSE to find the funny, the happy, the good.

My Cowboys are on fucking FIRE! Lord we have suffered so long. If you don’t love football (and if you don’t Im not sure how we are friends), then Im not sure you get it. But the bliss Im feeling today hasn’t been felt since the early 90’s. I am on cloud 9. When life is shitty and bad things are happening and the world feels like its falling apart…there’s football. Its simple and clear cut and it reminds me of my Dad and it makes me jump up and down and shout at the tv. And my daughter watches it with me. And THAT is everything.

And my cheer team. Our cheer team. They WON LEAGUE! Again. Defending the trophy for a second year in a row. For those that don’t know cheer- you may not get this either. This sport has more injuries than any other including football. The hours are long and intense and you do things to your body that it just isn’t supposed to do. There’s tears, blood, broken noses. concussions, surgeries, sprained ankles, set backs and times you want to give up. But they don’t. If you are afraid for our future….DONT BE. I get to witness, on a daily basis, 22 strong-willed, smart, funny, sarcastic, kind, deep-thinking, caring, emotional, sensitive, crazy awesome girls conquer the world. They get good grades, very little sleep, volunteer, cheer for every sport while not getting much support in return, are gracious in defeat ad EXTREMELY protective of each other. We’ll be fine. And on a side note- if someone fucked with them I would kill them.

I also get to share my “story” today in a group on Facebook about Beachbody Coaching. As nerve-wracking as it still makes me all this time later- its a privilege. Sharing my story has become a bridge to people I never would’ve had contact with before. Its become a way I cleanse, my therapy, my outlet, and a by-product of that is the people I reach who send me private messages of gratitude and thanks for sharing. It is an honor. I think my story stopped being “MINE” a long time ago.

So last week I fell back on funny. This week I choose to as well. Im not making light of any situation. I don’t make light of making sure people have basic rights and are equal. I’ll fight to the death for that. No joke. But in a world with brain rot, auto immune disorder, friends losing loved ones, I choose to eliminate the ugly from my line of sight right now. Call it selfish, call it naive, call it turning a blind eye. I just call it survival.

Love, Peace & Light.

Dave Chapelle- SNL, watch it!