I post about positivity a lot. I post about getting over your shit and just dealing. That happiness is a decision you make every single day. And then I walk away from the post and cry. And pull on my yoga pants and do my workout…sometimes crying during that. And I smile and post a workout selfie and check in with my customers to make sure they are eating correctly and I drive to pick up my kids and I drive to cheer practice and I encourage the girls there and most of it….MOST of it I can do without crying. Because if you post positive shit enough its bound to work, right? RIGHT?
I don’t want to be honest. Its ugly. VERY ugly. Some mornings I get messages that say “I just want to be thin but this workout is too hard and the chocolate cupcakes were calling my name and my favorite show was on and I was tired after work so I just laid on the couch…so is there a faster way to lose weight?” Or “I literally cannot live without creamer in my coffee…its like…I just can’t function.”. And I type “you can do it”. “You’ve got this”. “Try stevia instead”. When what I want to type is “Fuck off asshole”. “My husband has brain rot, I have 2 jobs, my joints ache daily, and you need to get the fuck over yourself.” What an amazing coach I am.
I grew up (like most of you) with this notion that 2.5 kids, a loving husband, a dog and a house in the burbs was what you were SUPPOSED to do. And that was the only way to be happy. Thats what you do people. And if you don’t you are weird or abnormal. So I got the loving husband, the 2 kids (after many miscarriages), the dog and the house in the burbs. And I see the family pictures posted on social media and people posting about how awesome their husbands and their kids are. And Id like to stab them. Do you know how horrible I look if I say “my husband is an asshole”? Because guess what? News flash? Just because you have Brain Rot doesn’t mean you cannot be a GRADE A asshole. You can be. He’s proof. I don’t get to say that though.
He is kind, provides for us, never would hurt us, loves us. He’s perfect. Sure. But he’s not. And there are days I’d like to punch him in his face and get in a car and drive FAR away. What does that make me? My kids are shit heads. They are funny, mostly healthy, get decent grades, have friends, aren’t in jail (yet) and aren’t pregnant (yet). So overall thats a win. But damn they are entitled, spoiled, lazy, and I’d like to set them on the front porch and put a sign on them that says “FREE, take please!”
Here’s some truth…I HATE cooking, I do not like going to parent teacher conferences, I don’t make my kids’ lunches, I’ve considered divorce, I’d rather go out to a concert with music and beer than a bunco group, I don’t like small children, I cuss a lot, I think a lot of people have no common sense, weak women make me puke, I’ve considered that fact that my Dad’s instant death was WAY better than what my husband is going through, I’ve wanted to send my kids away to school…for real, I could live in a tiny house by myself, I prefer mountains to people sometimes, Im not sure how I feel about marriage- we live a long fucking time to be with one person, I don’t do religion, I don’t do bake sales, I think its ok to cuss in front of my kids, I lack empathy at times, I have so many faults I cannot list them.
And I can’t tell you how sad I feel about admitting all of that. I just cannot live in “that world”. You know- FACEBOOK WORLD. Where Janie Smith has her 2 kids in matching outfits and her husband Rob works a 9-5 in a suit and she bakes for the school and volunteers in the library and plays the Disney channel station in her mini van so the kids don’t hear regular music and she goes to spin class on Tuesdays and book club on Thursdays and church on Sundays and she has a PERFECT life. I just can’t. I bow down to you that love that life…that thrive in it…that find your joy in it. Its just not me, And it took a long time to realize that. And be ok with it. And the thing is…Im finally ok with who I am at 44 but Im not sure society is. I know people judge…if you’re not “in the norm”. I guess its my issue if I actually care what people think.
So for the 100 of you that read this and think “she’s crazy” I know there’s 1 of you thinking “holy shit Im not alone”. And I write this for you. Just for you. For the gypsy, warrior, wanderer, mountain girl with dreams for herself that don’t have barriers. For you that want more names to call yourself than MOM and WIFE. You that are ok with following your HEART and not your head…wherever that may lead. YOU that are not always politically correct or follow the norms. YOU that feel different. Its ok. Its truly and beautifully and magically ok. When Brain Rot came along I shifted from a person who couldn’t stand to not know what was ahead…a total control freak…..to a girl who THRIVES on not knowing. The crazy awesome coolness of not knowing.
I love my husband. I love my kids. I would die for them. It took me a very long time to realize that is not all I am. And it is ok. To be more, to want more, to do more. It is not just ok….its necessary for me and my little soul. You have to find your true happy. And if she’s a gypsy you can only lock her up so long. Eventually she claws her way out. Peace, Light and Love! I hope for everyone to find their happy!!
2 thoughts on “A BLOG I’LL NEVER PUBLISH”
You are so right! I’m having a lot of those thoughts today. I’m not sure if Kelly has mentioned anything about my youngest daughter, but she has been diagnosed with postpartum cardio myopathy (form of heart failure). Her youngest child is 17 months old and she was just diagnosed a couple of months ago! Her heart function is only 35%. She is unable to work now & the loss of her income is HUGE! They have five kids. I have never felt so useless as a mom as I do now. I’m her mom and I’m so supposed to be able to fix her and I can’t!!! I try to stay strong for her & say all the right things to talk her off the ledge – but it’s killing me inside. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Cathy. I am so so sorry.