I miss you. In a few weeks it’ll be 11 years since you died and I honestly CANNOT believe that. There are moments it feels like yesterday. There are moments its raw and makes my gut hurt. There’s days I don’t think of you until around noon and that feels weird. Makes me feel guilty. I know it shouldn’t. But it does. I wanted to tell you about Summit. And some other shit.
When you died I had to tell your Mom. I had to tell my 82 year old grandmother, 11 years ago, that her son was dead. It is and will remain one of the hardest things Ive ever done. And I was mad at you for it. And I know that makes absolutely no sense at all. Its pretty fucked up actually. But it is what it is. It is what I felt. Im not mad anymore. Im not mad at you. For dying. Nanny died on your wedding anniversary a few months ago. I guess you know that now. You are all gone now. Pawpa is gone. You are gone. Nanny is gone. Your sister is all thats left of your first family. I miss all of you. I miss Nanny most right now. Give me an hour. Ill miss you more.
I feel old lately. Maybe its stress. Lot of shit going on. You know. Maddie is 17. What the fuck. How did THAT happen? We are looking at colleges this summer. Shit. SHIT. Andy is funny. And talented. He drew an incredible penis on his math final and was suspended for a day. It was creative, though…..so there’s that. Im mad they don’t have you. Im mad at someone about that. Dont really know who. They are INCREDIBLE people. But they’d have been all the better if you’d been around. Andy reminds me so much of you its ridiculous.
It was my 4th Beachbody Summit. I just got back late last night. As always it was emotional and amazing. My “little business” is starting to make some differences I never expected. Financially Im growing, Im adding team members, Im actually smarter than people think at this CEO thing. Who knew?…..Im bull-shittin’….I knew. And YOU knew. Im a smart cookie. Time to own that I guess. A few people Ive never met recognized me. It was so surreal. I looked around and behind me like “who are you talking to?” You’ll get a kick outta the fact that the “Too Short” tape you made fun of in my car tape deck in the late 80’s has something to do wth my success. You said “rap is just a phase”. Turns out you were a tad wrong about that. And my fitness company is called “Too Short Fitness.” So take that! ;)-
Its hard to process all that happened at Summit but of all the things that happened ONE will remain my favorite. One touched my heart like no other. One made me break down into tears. Someone (a fellow coach) said that because of my 121 mile hike for Carson that she felt called to speak to her son about mental health. I wont reveal the details. They aren’t mine to reveal. But she told me I made a difference and thats everything. THATS EVERYTHING.
Its been a shit year, Dad, I aint gonna sugar coat it. Sometimes I feel brave and tough and warrior like. Sometimes I crawl in bed and cry. And I guess thats ok. Seasons in life, right? Seasons. And this particular season may be hard but its leading somewhere and I KNOW that. I trust that.
I miss you. More now than 11 years ago. When people compliment my sense of humor I credit you. I credit you for loving music, liking beer, being impatient, loving love, being able to truly SATURATE myself into special moments, and my drive. And I credit and blame you for that “never satisfied” thing I have. I’ll keep rockin n rollin. Keep raising Hell, Dad. Its about the moments, right? Just the moments.
Turn up, tune in, rock out, speak up, and love your friends- LOVE your friends. And TELL them that. No regrets.
Here’s to the Seasons.