TOTALITY

There was a guy in High School we called a “stoner”. In the late 80’s we put everyone in a “group”. You know…like Breakfast Club. I was a cheerleader. (Eye roll). So I didn’t really talk to many stoners. And he was smart. And he got good grades. And I never SAW him do drugs its just obviously fact when the label gets assigned……right? He’s not on Facebook now. I don’t know what happened to him. I don’t even remember his last name. And Im an asshole for that. I don’t think he did drugs. But so fucking what if he did. I should’ve talked to him then. I shouldn’t have AssUMED shit. But don’t we all. We are given a limited bit of information about someone- what we can see, what is posted on social media, what it looks like in pictures….and we AssUME. Human nature.
I’ve gone through a transformation and big life change over the past few years. And as a “public figure” (that makes me laugh) and someone who shares “everything” on social media it’s tricky. Because I’m just fine sharing all of my shit. I don’t care. I would’ve been writing about it for a long, long time. Because Im a writer and I know my sharing about my crap tastic days and my wonderful days helps other people. But here’s the thing——its not just MY story. When you have other people in your life…kids, partners, a spouse….it’s THEIR story too. Its THEIR shit too. So exposing all of that because its THERAPEUTIC for me or its just what I do might be a little selfish when the other parties in my life don’t want their shit hung out for all the public to see. And I completely and “TOTALLY” respect that.
The consequences of sharing just SOME of your life publicly is that people get to assume the rest. And I accept that. Its ok. Its what we do. Its how I treated that “stoner” all those years ago. I AssUMED. I thought I knew. But I didn’t. I didn’t have access to the whole story of his life. Nor should I have unless he chose to share it with me. And he didn’t. And I don’t blame him. I wish he had. I wish Id been mature enough not to AssUME. I wish Id seen the TOTALITY of his story. I wish we could all see the TOTALITY of each others’ stories. We just might be a little more forgiving, a little more understanding, and a little less judgmental. But its not that way. And I accept that.
I laid in an 80 acre hay field in Nebraska yesterday and watched the total eclipse. It was honestly the most AMAZING thing Ive ever seen in my life. And as I laid there I thought about how powerful that sun is. That we see it in its TOTALITY each day. In all its glory. Shining as bright and powerful as it always has. With nothing to hide. Doing its job, warming the planet and keeping my ass alive everyday. And this one day…this one period of 2 something minutes…she hid behind the moon. She got to rest. Even for just a brief few moments. And then that circle of gases became visible around the edges- crazy beautiful. All of that light seeping out of the sides. And it hit me….she’s not resting, she’s not dimmer, she’s not hiding at all…she’s still shining as bright as she ever has, powerful as ever, doing her job, being completely vulnerable and not hiding a thing. We just couldn’t see all of her. And that’s on US. (Ok its a little bit the moon’s fault too I guess). 😉
I see her more today than any other day in my lifetime. I know there’s more to the story. I know she shows her TOTAL self no matter what others think they know. And thats a lesson I can learn. And how others interpret what they see is not about me at all. Its about them.
So I’ll continue to show my totality. With respect to the others in my life for their privacy. I’ll share MY story. And hope that those reading & watching know theres always more to it. Isn’t there always more to it? Always. More than we see. More than we think we know. More than whats visible. I love life. I plan to live every single second of it with beauty and love and vigor and a gypsy spirit. And I pledge to not AssUME I know anything at all.
Happy is good place to be. Happy. Me. In all TOTALITY…..ME.
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