BiG DREAMS, SMALL HOUSES AND A DECLARATION

I love the city. I love being in it. The noise, smells, people, shops lined in a row so I can go in every single one and look at things. I love the loudness of it and the idea that I can get bread, coffee and a new jacket all on the same block. God it’s so cool. You can walk everywhere and its electric and eclectic and full of life. I always thought I’d want to live in the middle of a city once my kids were grown. And when I dreamed that it seemed a million years away. Now….not so much.
My daughter will be 18 years old next summer. And then she goes to college the next Fall. I always thought my dreams were FAR AWAY and I had a long time to plan it all out. I woke up one day and I was looking at a 45 year old woman about to be an empty nester in 2 years. Holy shit. My dreams have evolved over the years. As probably everyone’s have. I think I used to want a pool and a big closet and a thousand pair of shoes and a Porsche. That was a good dream. For the girl I was. I am not her anymore. I don’t want a thousand pair of shoes. Or a big closet. Or a pool. But I’d damn sure take an old classic Porsche convertible.
Moving to Colorado was something that changed everything in my life. Including what I dreamed about. I realized I love being outside WAY more than I like being inside. I like dirt trails more than streets. I like mountain views more than skyscrapers. I like quiet. And space. And a big huge beautiful open blue sky. I prefer to wear hiking shoes most of the time to heels. I wear less makeup now than when I was 35. So very weird. I never would have guessed. I still love the city. Visiting it. Shopping. On occasion. I still love being around people. Coffee in a shop on a patio. The noise. The electricity.
But my heart and soul just belong in the mountains. I find so much peace there. I am calm, have no anxiety, less worry, I feel at home and at ease and un judged on a mountain. On a trail. I feel no guilt. No shame. No need to please. No desire to check social media. No pull to be the most successful or the richest or the favorite or the top producing anything while up there.
So my dream isn’t 10 years away anymore. Yours isn’t either. Mine is around the corner. And I plan to make it happen. 45 years flew by. In the blink of an eye. I wont wake up at 55 years old and still be “planning” for the future. My Dad didn’t get to be 55. A lot of people don’t. We woke up one day and said “let’s move to Colorado”….so we did. Period. I want that house in the mountains. So I will make it happen. Thats all there is to that. Dreams are only dreams unless you make them happen. There is no reason and no excuse and no dilemma and no obstacle too big to stop you from doing what you want to do. You can be scared. You can be broke. You can have responsibilities. You can have a job, kids, older parents, bills, whatever. Its all an excuse. I had all of those things when I left Texas. I can’t imagine if I’d let any of that stop me.
You live and learn man. You learn life is short. VERY short. Too short for huge closets and dealing with 1,000 pair of shoes. Too short to be unhappy. Too short to work your ass off for someone else. Too short to not MAKE your dreams come true. Many pregnancy losses changed me. My Dad’s death changed me. Brain rot changed me. Moving changed me. Colorado changed me. Getting older changed me. Divorce changed me. And though most of it was so incredibly painful, so hard to go through, so lonely, so devastating, so hurtful….Im truly not sure anymore that I would change any of it. It makes me cry writing that. Because I wouldn’t wish a motorcycle accident, a brain disease, or a divorce on ANYONE. Being human means you get afflicted with a heart, and feelings, and the ability to love. It means you get hurt, you get sad, you get disappointed, you get devastated.  It also means- you GET to be happy, you GET to experience sadness and devastation and love and all of the butterflies and all of the good and all of the beautiful. And I wouldn’t trade the good things to avoid the bad.
I’ve seen parts of the world I never dreamed I would. Ive met amazing friends. Ive been to late night secret concerts. Ive climbed rocks and mountains. Ive delivered 2 humans. Ive been married and loved and called Mom. Ive felt pride and joy and accomplishment. Ive seen a total solar eclipse. I understand loss. I empathize better. I am all that I am, because of my experiences. And I wouldn’t change a thing.
I see more mountains, less traffic, more dirt and a tiny house in my future.
“…It turned my whole world around, and I kinda like it..”
        Not Ready To Make Nice, The Dixie Chicks
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