I caught a little flack yesterday for putting up my Christmas tree early. Even from the Dude. And thats ok. I know it was all in jest. But its more than a tree this year. So much more.
In 17 years I have never spent a Holiday away from my children. Never. For 20 years Ive been a wife through the Holidays. Ive never decorated a tree alone. There’s so many things Ive never done alone. This has been a year of many firsts for me. More than I can count. Scary, exhilarating, anxiety-ridden, joyful, painful firsts. My Mom is spending Thanksgiving with my sister. My kids are spending Thanksgiving with their Dad. I was prepared to spend the day alone- well- with the Cowboys of course. Dude wasn’t having it and insisted I go to Houston with him. Im grateful for that. But I could’ve done it alone. Im a lot stronger than many think. Than I think.
I had a rough week. I needed a Christmas tree. I don’t care that its only November 16th. I needed the tree. And I needed to buy it alone. Despite the crazy lady in the Walmart parking lot telling me I was emitting toxins into the planet- it was nice to go get my little plastic tree alone. I missed my kids. I always miss my kids. Even when they are right in front of me. They are my heart.
So I got my tree home and assembled it alone (all 6 feet of it) pre lit and everything. You know- rocket science and shit. Then I realized all of my ornaments were at my old house. I started messing with the “branches”. To try to fill in the very empty looking spots. You know that Charlie Brown/fake tree/plastic/aluminum showing look…..ya- not so Christmas-y. I must’ve rearranged and moved branches for an hour trying to fill in all of the open spaces. So it looked more like a tree and less like a weed. And I sat down and stared at it. No matter what I did, or rearranged, or tried to fix or fill….there was just some open spots. Some empty spots. I cried. And I decided it was ok. Its ok to see some of the wires, the aluminum pole, the “fakeness”, the flaws. Its really really really ok. Makes my tree exactly what it is- MY tree. Some holes cannot be filled. And aren’t meant to be.
So I know its early. I know we haven’t celebrated the holiday where we stole America from the Native Americans yet. I know. But I don’t care. And though I’m not exactly one to care what others think…this one is for the “newly” single people at the Holidays. For those who lost someone this year. Or last year. Or 11 years ago. For those going through divorce or break ups. For those with children away at college for the first time. For those that are celebrating their Holidays so very differently this year than they ever have before. You do YOU baby! Screw the masses. Screw the opinions. Screw the way its “supposed to be”.
You see- there’s no WRONG way to do things. There’s just not. And it took me my whole life to realize people try to tell you there is. But we all have our own way. And sometimes things change. So I put up and decorated my Christmas tree on November 16th this year. Maybe next year I’ll do it on Halloween. Maybe in 2019 I’ll do it on December 24th. Maybe one day I wont do a tree at all. And all of that…..ALL OF THAT…is perfectly ok. 🙂
Well Ive been afraid of changing,
Cuz I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder, children get older
And Im getting older…. too.