LANDSLIDE

I’m sure there’s some psychological term for this transition time. Truth is I laughed off the whole idea that Id be so emotional when my kid graduated High School. I really truly didn’t think it would be that big of a deal. I am so happy for her I could scream. She’s been accepted to the School Of Bio Chemistry within her University. She’s so much smarter than me. With this big beautiful anything can happen world in front of her. She maneuvered a move across the country at 13 years old, entering a middle school where she knew ABSOLUTELY NO ONE. I cried that day I dropped them off after we moved to Colorado. I thought “what the fuck have we done to these kids?”

 

She made High School Cheerleader, made great friends, made good grades, excelled in DECA, joined a private cheer team and loved all of it, made Varsity Golf Team and is headed to State next week. We made the decision to move for many reasons. I honestly think it was the very best thing we did for our kids. I am beyond proud.

 

I’ve cried a LOT lately. I go long periods and don’t cry. And then I purge. And Im obviously having a purge period. I just finished a 3 Day Cleanse. I feel good. I got microdermabrasion this week to detoxify my skin, I deleted some “friends” from social media and from life that did not feed my soul well. I got engaged. I got a build date for my new home. I’m going to watch my kid graduate in 14 days and its so many changes at once I feel overwhelmed.

 

The Seniors had what’s called a “Bridge Dance” last night. I helped decorate and chaperone. It was the last time Ill ever be at that school. It was my last school event as a Mom of a kid in school. I watched the kids laugh and dance to music and hug each other and sign yearbooks and be stupid, exactly what they are supposed to be….kids. And I cried on a bridge at how quickly time flies. In that moment I missed my Dad so much it physically hurt, I thought about my High School experience, the friends I had, the ones I’ve lost, the completely unsullied body and mind I had at 18. So much had not happened yet. At 18 there is LITERALLY endless possibilities. You aren’t hardened by the world or politics or mean people yet. You don’t carry many preconceived notions. You don’t have regrets yet. You don’t know. YOU DONT KNOW. And its the most beautiful thing I can even think of.

 

I could see myself on the bridge at 18. I saw her and wanted to say…so very much. Don’t cry over boys that don’t love you, hug your Dad more, bring your sister along more, stay out of the sun, date more boys, write more, love more, argue less, be more patient, you’ll have 2 BEAUTIFUL children after all the heartache of miscarriage so don’t worry, kiss him sooner, tell him sooner, be more approachable, go home more, GO HOME MORE. Don’t wish the toddler years away, take MORE pictures, say yes more, be less reactive, love every minute, don’t buy that stupid fucking $2,000 sofa…go to Spain instead! FORGIVE. Then FORGIVE some more. Don’t be an ass. Wash your face more. And be ACUTELY aware that even in the moments that time seems to stand still, and you are frozen and wishing for time to pass faster……it is passing. So quickly that you cant grasp it. HOLD ON. Hold on to the moments. The boring, long, never seeming to end moments. HOLD ON TO THEM. You will blink. And you will be watching your own girl on this bridge.

 

But you know what- it all unfolded the way it was supposed to I suppose. And as I watch my child transition to adulthood and leave grade school, I am honoring the fact that its not just HER transition. I am 46 years old. Divorced. Almost empty nester. Building a cabin in the middle of nowhere. Newly engaged and doing things now I’d have never done at 26. Life is funny. Life is unpredictable. Life is sad and tragic and beautiful and happy and joyful and goes so fucking quickly. I look in a mirror now and see wrinkles and crepey skin and age spots and a lifetime of experiences. Transitions are hard for me. Very very hard. This feels like the biggest one Ive ever had. Im a ball of emotions lately. Just gonna roll with it. I don’t know what else to do.

 

“Landslide” has always been one of my favorite songs since I was a kid. For all of my life the lyrics ” I’ve been afraid of changes cuz I built my life around you” were completely about the end of a romantic relationship. As I’ve grown older, stronger, I’m blown away to listen to it so differently now. I built a life around my children. I have no regrets over that. And I admit now- Im afraid of what my life might look like without a kid at home. But here I am. And I’ll be fine. And she’ll be fine. And the world turns.

 

“Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
‘Cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too”

S.N., ‘Landslide’

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