forgiveness | Falling Back On Funny

Its hard to admit you failed. And Im not sure I really like that word anyway. FAILED. Ive been told to embrace it by the CEO of Beachbody. So many success stories were proceeded by tons of failure. Michael Jordan, Einstein, Steve Jobs….the list is endless. But we, as a society with a short attention span, focus on the million hoops made, the scientific break throughs and the billion dollar company that IS Apple. We don’t really look at or focus on the FAILURES that came before. I went into Beachbody Coaching almost 4 years ago, gung ho, full steam ahead, and became successful and built a team and a paycheck and a few awards and titles and rank advancements later I felt pretty good. And then life happened.

I could blame my lack of focus in my business on a divorce, brain rot, moving, illness, spending all of my energy on coaching cheer. I could. It would all be true. 2017 has been extremely difficult for me. EXTREMELY. I don’t recall a time in my life of more stress, sadness, tragedy, anxiety, change and fear. I am a tough cookie. In many ways. In other ways I am human. I am fragile and mortal and sad and stressed and want to curl up and give up. My 20 year marriage ended this year. My grandmother died this year. My dear friend’s son took his life this year. I walked 121 miles this year. In 11 days. My physical body was not 100% this year. My workouts were off. My nutrition has been off. I moved this year. I left a job I love this year. Quitting my position as assistant cheer coach has made me more sad than I expected. I met a Dude this year. That I did NOT want to care for. If timing is everything then fate picked the absolute WORST (or best if you look at it differently) time for a Dude to walk into my life. (Or fall in my lap 😉 ) And sitting in that hospital room alone after they wheeled him away for emergency testing and surgery last week brought back a flood of memories.

I spent so much time crying in hospitals. I lost several pregnancies late. LATE. As in 5 months in late. I spent hours waiting for test results about brain rot in hospitals. So anxious I couldn’t breathe. My daughter was tested for thyroid cancer and I sat in a waiting room wanting to die. And trade places with her. And I sat in a hospital room in Houston last week alone. Its a feeling I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And if my anxiety level was any higher Im pretty sure Id have had a heart attack. I stared at the floor in that room and questioned everything Id ever done. I have made mistakes. Ive hurt others. Ive hurt myself. I question my ability to parent. I question my ability to let others in. To love. And to be successful. I let my team down this year- my Beachbody team. I had JUST ENOUGH energy to end a marriage and move and find the will to put my pants on each day….so my team got nothing from me. And for that I am sad. I have apologized to them. They are some amazing people.

I needed this time, this year, this space, this break….from everything. To try to find me and get mentally healthy. I think my body needed rest. Ive slept a lot lately. Im in the business of making healthy bodies. Of fitness and working out and building muscle. And I think it escaped me that the mind and the soul are just as important as the body. And mine needed rest. And time. Im a few pounds heavier than last year. I don’t have a 6 pack currently. I don’t have the energy I had last year. My fitness is not at its prime. But Im ready for a fresh start. Im ready. And I don’t regret taking the time to get my mind and soul right. I don’t. My body was screaming for rest. And I only get one body.

You don’t wake up one day and its all better. You don’t. I wont wake up January 1st and be “over” all the things that happened in 2017. It doesn’t happen like that. Though I wish it did. Its a process. And Im learning to respect the process. I am ready to be physically FIT again. Im ready to have a FIT business again and do what I do. Im good at it. I love my job. Ive committed to an “INSANE DECEMBER”. Gonna do the hardest Beachbody workout EVER for 30 days—INSANITY MAX 30— and document my journey. Im going to get back to my team. And leading by example. And healthy eating. And reading. And doing the things that fill me up. Its time. Im ready. And I need to be me. I also need to forgive myself for the time off. For the breakdown. For the mistakes. For everything. Truth be told…..I am HAPPY. A happy I never knew I could be. It doesn’t look perfect. But my soul feels good. And I realized the moment I looked down at the floor in that hospital room last week….that I am enough. I am strong. I am worthy. I am capable. And a good cry washes away a lot of shit. 🙂

Its ok to fall down. Its not ok to say there.

Recently someone from my past apologized to me. Twenty years after this person did something to me that warranted an apology. The something they did was pretty bad. Pretty sad. Pretty hurtful. And had a very big impact on me. It actually changed the way I trusted people, the way I let people into my life, the way I made decisions….it affected quite a few things in my life. It changed me. Made me quite cynical. When someone hurts you I guess it can do that.

So when the apology came I was surprised and shocked and it was very unexpected. And I guess that could have gone either way. Even more surprising was my reaction. Without missing a beat I accepted the apology and replied with “No apology needed, it was forgiven years ago. But thank you and I accept your apology.” Holy shit who the hell AM I? That is certainly not a response I would’ve given fifteen years ago. Maybe that apology came exactly when it was supposed to. And after the words came out of my mouth and onto the message that I sent to this person I realized that everything I said was actually true. I had forgiven years ago. I DID accept and appreciate the apology. You know why? This person meant it. And maybe it took 20 years to really mean it. So Im glad they didn’t say it before now. I REALLY REALLY AM.

When my Dad died there were a few phrases that got repeated that made me want to strangle someone. “God wanted your Dad more than you”, “At least he died doing what he loved”, “he is in a better place” and my ALLLLLL time favorite “everything happens for a reason”. It does not. I am old enough to know that now. There is not a reason for everything. And that is OK. But of all of the things that all of the people said to me then I by far cherish this….my dear friend came up to me at the funeral, hugged me tight and said “I AM SORRY”. And she said it clearly and looked in my eyes as she said it. She meant it. She really, really meant it. She was so sorry for my loss, my pain, the situation. And it is all she needed to say.

I think in ways those three words are both over utilized and under utilized. So strange how that works. How often have I spurted out “oh sorry” at someone and not really meant it? Too often Im sure. I can’t remember. What I do remember are the times I DID mean it. When I hurt someone and I say “I am sorry” I hope it comes across with all that is intended. I hope they know I am sorry I hurt them. And when someone loses someone they love and I say “I am sorry” I hope they know that with all of the conviction and intensity my heart can muster how much I am sorry for their loss. That I know that loss. I know that pain. And I am so sorry they have to feel it.

Fifteen years ago I don’t think I would have been so forgiving. And that is a shame. I think it is necessary to forgive even when no apology is given. For our own peace. My 22 year old self DID NOT feel this way however. It was a very unkind thing they did to me. And it hurt. And perhaps its time to forgive the 22 year old me for the things she did wrong too.

As soon as the words “I am sorry” were uttered recently to me I knew how much meaning was behind it. I saw the 20 years of regret. I knew they were truly sorry for the pain they had caused me. And funny thing is…I had let it go years ago. Maybe because so many sad things have happened to me since then that it seemed like no big deal. Maybe because I grew up. Maybe because I knew they were sorry long before they could say it. Maybe…maybe…I am forgiving after all. Damn maturing thing. Sneaks up on ya sometimes. I forgive. I completely and utterly and lovingly forgive you. I think I already had but those words you mustered up and were brave enough to send 20 years later are greatly appreciated. And my heart is peaceful.

It would be nice if none of us ever hurt each other. But this is real life and that is not possible. Do yourself a favor. Say you are sorry more. Mean it more. And forgive more. Its good for the soul.

And the 42 year old me is smiling for the 22 year old me. Thank you old friend. 😉