Someone once told me I was doing it wrong. DOING IT WRONG. It doesn’t matter what “IT” was. I saw a quote that says “Just because someone is on a different path than you does not mean they are lost.” That person who told me I was doing it wrong….she was wrong. She was very wrong. I have made a million mistakes, some bad decisions, said some words I regretted, hurt some people I shouldn’t have, and all of it has me right here, right now. And there’s no place else Im supposed to be.
Did you ever have a Monday you just wanted to go back to bed. Curl up in a ball. Disappear?
I hate complaining. I hate complainers. I hate excuses. I’ve made no bones about that stuff. So this blog goes against everything I say I stand for. I wasn’t going to write this. Or at least not post it. We’ll see if I do. I think its important, though to share our struggle. To be honest. To let anyone who might be suffering out there know that they are not alone.
When Im stressed I hold it in my shoulders and neck. It doesn’t help that I have some cracked vertebrae in my neck that flare up once in awhile. So when stress is at an all-time high I can barely move my head. It hurts. Like SHIT. I still workout- because I need to and want to and it is what I do. I woke up today with tears rolling down my face the pain was so bad. But I wake up next to a dude who’s brain is shrinking. Complaining seems idiotic. And selfish.
My business is growing quickly. That is NOT a complaint. I could not be more thrilled with that. I am ecstatic. Its amazing and a blessing and Im so grateful. My “why” for doing this coaching thing isn’t just to “help other people get healthy”. Thats a big part of it. I love fitness and exercise and feeling great. But lets be honest- there’s good money to be made. And with Patrick’s very unknown work future I feel a serious obligation to my family to keep us financially secure. He makes very good money. I have not worked in years. I cannot express how grateful I am to him and to this situation for allowing me to be home with my kids all of those years. I am one lucky girl. So it feels so ungrateful to bitch about the pressure I feel when I know there’s single Moms out there that have been dealing with this for a LONG time. Who never had a supportive partner. But I can’t help but feel the pressure. Im sure my husband has felt this pressure to provide for 18 years. It’s my turn. And lets just say Im great at the “people and parties” part of this job. I love socializing, I love working with my team, I love working with people to find the appropriate fitness program and watching them succeed. The stupid ass taxes and administrative shit can kiss my ass. I don’t do “business stuff”. And now Im forced to. I know- poor poor me…business is doing well so I will deal. Its just me having a bitch session about the fact that I HATE dealing with numbers and taxes and accounting and crap. I went to a party college- and got a degree in Psychology because it required the least amount of math classes. And holy hell I need help because I don’t want to end up like Wesley Snipes and make a bunch of money then lose it because I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE HELL IT IS! OK- rant over about that.
People are relying on me. My kids, my husband, my customers, my coaches, my team. I love that. But it is stressful. My husband has been VERY wobbly this past week. And his speech is worse. It seems to be progressing. I knew it would. But for some dumb reason I ignore it. I love the little world I love in called Denial. It serves it’s purpose. It keeps me sane. It helps my neck. It helps me continue functioning. But he’s getting worse. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. And it fucking sucks. And 99% of the time Im ok and happy and embracing life and knowing each moment is precious and appreciating it. Today is a 1% day. Fuck you Brain Rot. And I want to call my Dad for help. He’d run here. He’d move here. He’d be here to help me. But I don’t have him. I have me. And when I Iook around for the grown-ups to FIX this. For the support of a more mature person. For a place to fall down and cry while someone else cleans it up I realize there is no one. Its ME. Im the grown up. Fuck.
I got some sweet messages from people about my video I posted on Facebook last week of me dancing in my driveway to my new CIZE workout. Very sweet. And some saying- “wow I could never look that good dancing” or “wow you’re in great shape I could never live up to that”. And I feel like some people get a picture of a perfect girl with a perfect life who’s thin and in shape and happy all the time. I want those people to know that there’s REAL shit in everyone’s life. I am thin. Born this way. Im the bitch who can workout twice and have muscles. I’ve never been overweight. I was too thin at one point due to severe IBS and stomach issues. I feel great now physically- Im healthier than I’ve ever been.. I can climb a mountain. My husband can’t.
And he texts me that the wobbliness is even worse today. And I have 500 things on my list for work to do. And I have 35 messages to return. And a new coach basics group to help run. And new coaches to train. And a kid to take to the orthodontist. And a light bulb to change. And dishes. And laundry. And a health check up for school athletics. And a workout to do and video and post. And so, so , so many other things. And all I really want to do is cry. And go to sleep.
And that is me bitching unnecessarily. Because I know that there are a million Moms, a million people out there who have it WAY worse than me. I get to travel. I have amazing friends. I have a nice house. A great family. An amazing “job”. And it all looks perfect. Perfectly perfect in that dance video. And maybe thats why someone WONT think they can get fit or find their healthy or “look like me while dancing” (good lord aim higher). Dont do that- dont think its all roses. I am one tough ass girl. I am strong willed and capable and I never give up! NEVER! I love my work and I will pour my soul into that. I love my family. I know how damn lucky I am. I don’t dance because my life is perfect. I dance INSPITE of the shit and BECAUSE it is so imperfect. Now Im going to have a cry. Then Im going to put on my big girl Nike Pros and kick this week’s ass. I hope you all do the same. Thanks for letting this girl bitch a little….or a LOT!
Some of us are lucky enough to have an amazing Mom. A funny, well adjusted, sarcastic, intelligent, beautiful, wise, caring Mom. And some of us are lucky enough to have two.
When I was in 7th grade I met Wendy. We became very close friends and remained that way through High School- even cheering together for several years. Looking back now Im not quite sure why the heck she was friends with me. Wendy is a doctor now. And she married a guy thats some sort of fancy research neuro doctor guy. Wendy studied a lot. And made good grades. And good decisions. See- not sure why she hung with me…although I can be fun 🙂
One of the benefits of being Wendy’s friend is you also get Wendy’s Mom, Lynda. When I would spend the night at Wendy’s house (which was quite often) Lynda would make us fresh baked cookies and bring them to us in Wendy’s room with milk. WITH MILK! Now- I know some of you know my mom, Karen Ellis. Witty, funny, sarcastic, smart, a little type A…but COOKIES AND MILK? Not that kind of Mom. Love you Karen but your strengths lay elsewhere- as do mine. My kids know Im not a cookies and milk kind of Mom. And thats ok. My very matter of fact Mom explained the birds and the bees on my chalkboard with drawings of a uterus and “man parts” and the very scientific terms that accompanied them when I was 11 or 12. Im still scarred to this day. Yes these are the same parents who blared Led Zeppelin all through the house in my childhood. What can I say. Practically liberal they were! Love them for all of that.
But I’d never been around a Mom like Lynda. Cookies and milk and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS smiling. Always sweet and happy and in a good mood. She made the perfect Elementary School teacher. God Love her. I could tell my Mom anything. No matter what problem I had- and she’d immediately draft a solution on an excel spreadsheet and help implement said plan without a hitch…..Lynda- she’d hug you tight and tell you its all going to be ok. Lucky me to have two Moms in my life. My Mom and Lynda are very VERY close friends. Best friends now. Have been for years. Yin and Yang.
I got to be there the day Lynda married Glen. I was 16. I remember thinking how lucky they each were to have found each other. Glen is so super cool! I am so blessed and privileged to have been there for that. Sometimes fate gets it right with two people.
When I was 18 my senior year of high school I was trying to decide between going to the local university just 30 minutes from my house or the college 3 hours from home. I was scared of leaving home and really debated on what to do. And there was a boy. He was staying local. So there was that. Lynda was over at our house and we went outside (just the two of us) and sat on my front steps on Addington Drive and talked. Well- she talked, I listened (thank God). She talked about the importance of leaving home and spreading your wings and getting away from your parents and NEVER doing anything because of a boy. And she helped make a decision for me- to leave home- to go away to college. I will never be able to repay her for helping me to make that decision. She was RIGHT!
When I was 33 I got a call from my Mom that my Dad had been in a horrible accident in Colorado on his motorcycle. She immediately got on a plane and headed for Denver to be with him. I began frantically running around my house, making calls, trying to stay updated on his condition. There were so, so many people in my house that day that I can barely remember it all. I really do not remember who all was there. It felt so strange to not have my Mom or sister or brother with me. When the call came. I was laying in my bedroom floor curled into a fetal position screaming and crying and SHE was there. Holding me. And just hugging and rocking me. Like a Mom does for her child. In my Mom’s absence, in the moment I found out my Dad had passed…she was there. Thank you Lynda.
Every year since my Dad died Lynda (and my Mom’s other dear friend, Shirley) have spent my Mom and Dad’s anniversary weekend with my Mom. They go camping with her or out to dinner or to a hotel or wherever. So sweet of them to spend what would be an otherwise sad day making my Mom laugh and fall off of horses (inside joke) and surely getting her drunk on wine. The GREATEST thing I learned from Karen was to make incredible friends and CHERISH them. I don’t know what I’d do without my friends.
And now Lynda has cancer. And I told Wendy I’d keep this blog “clean”. And Im not sure how to do that. Because Im mad. Im pissed. Im angry. There are a lot of good people in this world. But NONE are better than Lynda. A heart of gold and the grace of an angel and the sweetest personality ever. I have no idea why crap happens to good people. I’ll never know that. I gave up trying to figure that out years ago. But Im still mad. I hate cancer. Cancer sucks. So does Brain Rot. And Hypothyroidism. And Hashimotos. And Parkinsons.
But I love life and Lynda and I want her to know publicly how amazing I think she is. What an amazing person she is. That she has been and continues to be such a positive influence on my life. I love you Lynda! Karen loves you too and I love you more for what you’ve done for my Mom. If I could I would kick cancer’s ass (sorry Wendy) all over the place. I’d annihilate it and never allow it to harm anyone again. Im praying and hoping and wishing and crossing my fingers and meditating and using all that I have in me to make that cancer go away. You are a fighter Lynda- always have been. Love you- now kick cancer’s HINEY! :)-