Tag Archives: Patience

DOWNHILL SUCKS…BUT IT MAKES ME ENJOY THE VIEW

My husband and I went on a 5 mile hike at Palmer Lake Reservoir Sunday. I was secretly hoping he would pick Santa Fe or Spruce Mountain to hike instead. Palmer Lake has a pretty steep ascent that is quite long which means coming back is a very steep descent. I’ve grown to despise going downhill.

My husband’s “brain rot” (see previous blog from July if you are unfamiliar with the “brain rot”) causes ataxia. If you don’t know what that is it basically means uncoordinated. His balance, gait and depth perception are quite affected now. He walks like he is drunk. Without the fun part. So hikes are a challenge. Going uphill is great. There seems to be less of a balance issue and we trek along at a good pace.

Downhill SUCKS.

It takes quite a bit of effort by the human brain to coordinate all of the bazillion things that must occur for your body to move downhill and not fall. It really is quite amazing. Most of us take that simple event that happens a thousand times a day for granted. Just one foot in front of the other…not giving it a second thought. Patrick does not have that luxury. His brain does not communicate correctly with his feet. In fact…his exact words on the hike were “my brain doesn’t know where my feet are”.

So as we start the descent downhill I put my arm out…he grabs it. It helps for him to balance against me. He said I am like his “stair rail”. Ha. Glad I can be useful. So as all 165 pounds of him LEANS on all 102 pounds of me and wobbles or falls or loses balance or shifts its a bit of a thrill when you are on the side of a cliff with a 200 foot drop!

Now, to put it mildly, I am NOT a patient person. Thats why I find it quite ironically humorous that the universe blessed me with a child with severe ADHD and a husband with brain rot…REALLY? So the downhill portion of the hike is quite a test of character for me. HMMMM…be patient and support my husband down the hill so he doesn’t fall or get irritated and say “dude you’re on your own I just cannot go this slow”. Yes I just re read that. I AM that shallow. Shit- I know how bad that all sounds. I am human. And if I said I love every fucking second of this journey we are on I’d be a liar. Some of this crap just SUCKS! And at times I lose my patience. At times Im not so sweet (if you can believe that). At times I question what the hell we did to deserve this. At times I want to run. I am so far from perfect and I will right here, right now admit that when I said “in sickness and in health” this shit NEVER crossed my mind.

So as I “slow my pace” to match his and keep thinking how many more calories I could burn if I was moving faster I sort of saw myself and thought “damn you’re an ass”. I started looking around at the mountain, the rocks, the trees changing colors, the caves, the blue birds, the lake and my husband. Slowing down. SLOW. ING. DOWN. If he didn’t have brain rot we would walk much much faster. We would have raced each other for fastest time. We also would not have had the 50 great conversations we had. I wouldn’t have noticed the water, the birds or the trees changing. Because I would’ve been rushing to finish.

Now before you think Ive come to find the “REASON” behind him getting brain rot or that I believe everything happens for a reason or that we are done fighting this thing that couldn’t be further from the truth. I quit trying to find “all the reasons why things happen”. It is a colossal waste of time and energy that could be spent doing something more constructive. Like research.

All Im saying is…sometimes slowing down is not such a bad thing. It’s all in your perspective.

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Sometimes standing still is the best action to take & How Frogger sucks for control freaks

I try to be motivational on my Fitness Page. I sell workout videos & health & nutrition supplements…motivation is part of that. I like motivational quotes about getting your butt up and moving & taking chances & risks. I know that there’s no “magic pill” for health. It takes guts and sweat and will power and discipline. I like those things because I can control those things. My name is Jennifer and I am a control freak.

I’ve always been a control freak. I also have anxiety. The two things go hand in hand. For a person with anxiety it’s usually the moments that we don’t have control over that send us into a tailspin. For a long while I was too anxious to fly. I just felt out of control with someone else in charge of flying the plane….you know because I could definitely fly a plane. I didn’t say the anxiety was logical, ok. I don’t know if the Xanax or the fact that I enjoy traveling helped me get over it (probably the Xanax) but it was really all about handing over control. AND I HATE THAT!

Control freaks like me take action. When there’s a problem we look for a solution to fix it. When something needs doing we do it. If I get the slightest bit out of shape I kick my workouts into high gear. I can’t help it. Controlling things calms me & makes me feel like something, ANYTHING is getting done. It’s hard for me to do nothing. And that’s a problem.

I used to have an inner war with the Atari game “Frogger” in the early ’80’s. For those under 30 it was a game about frogs crossing the street in rush hour traffic trying to avoid getting squashed by a car. Now that I write that down I’m thinking some 25 year old at the Atari game creation center was high as a kite when they came up with this game. It’ a bit twisted. Anyway…if you timed it correctly & were patient & strategized which car was slower and what openings you could get through then your frog just might survive. So for those of us with a lack of patience & the NEED to move fast & hurry up so as to beat some imaginary timer in my head that said if I don’t move quickly my entire life was pointless, this game SUCKED! I hardly ever won. Survival almost always gave way to impatience. You could have a frog leg feast on the road kill I left behind. Sad, really.

I’m learning at the age of 41 that sometimes standing still and doing nothing is the right thing. Sometimes. Not when you need to get in shape or lose weight or quit smoking or chase your financial dreams or a bear is chasing you. In those instances what are you waiting for MOVE YOUR ASS! However, in dealing with other people and their journey to be in the “right place” or with your children learning tough life lessons when you’d really like to step in and save them or in just realizing there’s things in life you can’t control no matter how much you’d like to. It’s so hard to stand still and do nothing. Soooooo harrrrrrd. It’s hard to be out of control. However, it’s pretty cool to be 41 years old and realize there are still a lot of life lessons to learn and I still have a lot of growing to do. I am a work in progress. Working on patience. Here’s to me and deep breathing and Yoga and Xanax!
P.S. If Xanax had been around in 1981 I would have totally ruled at Frogger.

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