Monthly Archives: May 2018

MY BROKEN HEART

I think when I was 18 I thought I knew what a broken heart was. And maybe I did. Maybe at 18, for me, a broken heart was a boy who rejected me. A boy I thought was “the one”. A boy I thought I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. A boy I thought was my soul mate. And at 18 you are too young…at least I was….to really know what life is. What love is. What a heart is capable of. I used to laugh at her. That 18 year old who thought the world ended because some boy decided not to date me. I don’t laugh at her anymore. I am so grateful for her. She taught me so much.
When I lost several pregnancies to late term miscarriages I thought my heart would literally break into pieces and never mend. The hurt. The pain. Was so overwhelming I cannot describe it. Despair is an emotion that can kill you. I believe that. God….I’d only thought I knew what a broken heart was up until then.
When my Dad was killed unexpectedly my heart shattered. My stomach shut down. My mind went numb. My body ached. My soul felt crushed and I couldn’t breathe. For a very very very long time. It is perhaps the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. A gut wrenching, animalistic sorrow that left me a different person than I was on August 6, 2006. Every single thing about who I was changed that day. I was never ever the same again. My parenting forever changed, my attitude forever changed, my soul forever changed, my beliefs forever changed, my marriage forever changed, my everything changed.
Divorce has been, to me, like a death. Sad, tragic, physically sickening, full of guilt, lonely. Heartbreaking. Its funny to hear people who’ve never been divorced have an opinion about it. I did. Before I got divorced. Kinda like I had opinions on parenting before I had kids. If you have never had a child….do not speak to me about how you should parent. If you have never been through divorce….be grateful, be thankful, and don’t dare try to understand or judge it. It is a horrible, yucky, awful thing. And NOBODY wants to. NOBODY. NOBODY gets married with the thought that they’ll get divorced someday. And there is so many complex issues and things that happen within a home, within a partnership, within a marriage, that you will never know. And thats the way it should be.
My children are my heart. The love I have for them is like any other parent….unconditional, perfect, and life long. They mend my heart daily. And they helped me love myself.
Its a heart that has been through the ringer. More so than most know. Very very much more so.
And just when you think its just gonna be this way. And you accept it. And know you can love yourself just the broken way you are….in walks another old  heart. And you realize why it took 44 years to figure this out. And you know that the 18 year old boy, the miscarriages, the loss of your Dad, the divorce…..it all prepared your heart to love the way it was meant to. Because a beautifully red, perfect, solid, spotless 17 year old heart was pretty damn cool. But a 45 year old cracked, imperfect, beat up, pieced together, weathered-the-storms heart…..is the one I’d choose everyday. It just loves better.
Never ever ever ever ever be ok with any other kind of love than the one that makes you so happy you want to spit! And turn into some cheesy asshole 😉
“Happiness ain’t prison but there’s freedom in a broken heart
             Miranda Lambert, Runnin Just in Case
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