MY BOOBS

I had a mammogram two weeks ago. I was mad about it. I went for a check up last month and my doctor had the audacity to tell me it was time to get a mammogram and discuss peri-menopause. She’s a bitch. I will be 42 in a month and how the hell did that happen? Peri-menopause? Damn it. I have worked my booty off this past 8 months to be in great shape. In fact, Im in better shape than I’ve been in in years. I feel better, I have more energy, I sleep better, I think better and one of the side effects of getting older is a down right lack of giving a shit what others think. As well as a no-holds-barred approach to letting those I care about know just how much I care. And now this “medical professional” slaps me with this cheery news.

I got to smash my boobs in a machine. Well, I didn’t. Susan did. She was my nurse. And reminiscent of a dentist who asks you 42 questions while he has his hands in your mouth Susan tried to make small talk. I usually expect dinner for what she got to do to my breasts. Mangling them and finagling and squishing them into that machine while asking how old my kids were. Pleasant. I had a mammogram a few years back when I found a suspicious lump. It turned out to be benign but my grandma has breast cancer. I am built like her, look like her, and have her mannerisms so it’s always in the back of my head. I have small boobies- its true and Im ok with that. They are also a little farther south than they were 20 years ago but they are mine. I kinda like them now. They fed my kids and helped me fill out my first bikini and don’t get in my way when I attempt to run…

And now they get to be squeezed and examined every two years….and not in the fun kind of way.

It’s so un-sexy. All of it. Discussing my pre-menopause years and my breast health and my urinary habits. Shit. And whats funny about this whole thing is that I feel better than I ever have. Saggy boobs and wrinkles and age spots and all. God Ive said it before but if I could slap my 22 year old self I would. SHE was an idiot with an amazing body and no self confidence. But at 42 you know some things you don’t know at 22. You know who you are. You know what you believe in. You feel comfortable in your skin. I pick 42 over 22 any day of the week. And it’s ok to say “sexy” when you’re 42. Sexy is not perfection or seamless outer beauty or perfect breasts or youth. It’s a sense of confidence in yourself.

And I chose to make this mammogram sexy. It’s sexy to take care of my body and be preventative and pro-active. I want to be around a long time. My boobs do not make me a woman. I know that. But somehow they make me feel like one. And that may be the politically incorrect thing to say but its how I feel. And I wore some pretty undergarments and some red lipstick to my mammogram. You should too. When breast cancer is detected early it is often very treatable now. Do yourself a favor and make an appointment today. And screw your stupid doctor and peri menopause. Own it! We girls of a certain age know what’s really up…

Me and my boobs had a glass of wine that night to celebrate that milestone.

And though I wasn’t too terribly worried it was in the back of my head that there is a 50% possibility that a woman will receive a call back after a mammogram for a biopsy. FIFTY PERCENT. Thats a LOT!!

So when I got this pretty little letter in the mail it was a relief. A BIG relief. The girls are healthy! And each day as I DO NOT drink soda and put the cookies away for veggies and do my workout whether I feel like it or not…I’d like to think Im contributing just a little to that whole “treat your body as a temple” thing. Im hoping my good decisions will add a few months or years or decades to my life. Cuz you know you gotta do that! Sometimes no matter WHAT you do some damn disease catches you (I know that all too well). But for this control freak I like to think every little good thing I do for my body she pays me back just a little with time.

Here’s to healthy boobies everywhere..now go get yours checked!!

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